Career Mom Turns Full Time Mom- Over the days!!

They say the world is round and I think it is the same with one’s lives too. You come back to a point where everyone is busy for you. The irritation and frustration again pops in your head..And you start cribbing- Life is boring!...

An idle mind is the devils workshop. The mind is full fledged thinking all crisscross ways..
Can I look in for some part time job?
I don’t think my son requires me all the time…
Everyone is busy with their own work. Why don’t I engage myself in something.

Your mind hunts at various options and then you realize you don’t know anything other than the job you have been doing for seven full years…I have been so monotonously into that and the mind is so tuned to it…I started thinking- Am I addicted to the pressure? I felt all I needed is a break and not a fullstop to work…But then I jump back to the practicality, thinking of all problems at home when I lacked spending time…

Is life not funny? Now I have all the time and I don’t know what to do? There were days when I used to think if I had time I would do this, that etc…and now you know what, I am bored!!! Even to the extent of pampering myself with a pedicure or grooming myself…I start feeling,,,where am I going, why do I have to do this? And spend that time not doing anything…Then I try to call and catch up with some dear friends who have been complaining of me not being in touch all these days, and now it is their turn J They are busy with their work. Just exchange a formal hello and cut the line.. The mind wanders again-“ when they can manage, why not I? Did I Take a hasty decision?”. Oh my god…wont the mind stop coming to the same point! Well, I know it is going to take time for me to sink in with the present pragmatic life. I shout my moods at all those at home and I am afraid that does not sink down to my little one. The mind is back getting up with the same frustration “Yet another day!”…

Well, I realize I can’t start every day like this. Yes, I comfort myself yet again to take things easy , engage myself and make use of the time I have been longing for all these years and well, that has what has triggered me in writing this too. Every other week I find new ways to engage myself and that keep things moving in a more pleasant way as we know life just cant keep going with cribbing J. And I must also say this, every other day something or the other that my little darling does ,just wipes away all the gloomy thoughts!

When no one else takes me so seriously, then why should I take things to my head? And now I am again finding ways to occupy myself and spend some times just for me J. May be it is all passing clouds to settle down as a perfect mom and a home maker!!! Lets see how life takes its way..

Career Mom Turns Full Time Mom- Initial Days

You get up lazily, happy to see that there are no alarm bells. I wake my child with all my love and there he sees his mom –don’t know after how long- as he gets up with lot more laziness than me J. Both of us after lot of pamper and chit chats get ready to school. When I left him to the school for the first time and reached home, it was a great feeling. Was thinking to myself- How much have is missed all these days without a pinch of regret for leaving my career.

I would stress the fact that my son was not getting the confidence that I would be with him all time. Though he enjoyed the time with me, there was a feeling of insecurity in the mind of such a little child and he was clinging more to his dad and grandma. It took some time for him to settle down with me. It was a miserable feeling when your kid asks- Amma, will you leave me and go to office again”. I trashed all my inside regret of leaving my career and there comes the reassurance again..

Days flied with this routine. My son with all smiles and confidence clinging to me for everything. Me enjoying the longer sleep, little bit cooking, reading, and exploring all that I liked . Having plans on how to keep myself engaged as well as happy !

Career Mom Turns Full Time Mom!!

Here comes another day where I again snap the alarm and get back to a nap for five more minutes which for sure ends to atleast twenty minutes. After snoozing it for three times i get up in a hurry, with hundreds of thoughts running in mind , and like a robot I am again ready to office. Kissing my son who is blissfully sleeping, I step out of the house thinking do I have to go?? And yes,,,this thought has become a part of my daily routine…

The moment you enter office all this vanishes and the mind is busy on all the agendas of the day..The daily meetings to which you rush many times skipping your breakfast,,,and that’s it …i forget everything else .. sometimes i get a call from my two year old and I start hating myself for not having time to hear the lil one..Now the mind is no where, neither on the meeting nor on my little darling! You nod your head to both not knowing for what though..You can imagine the consequence J .

There comes the thought again…..do I need to do this? And I decide for the hundredth time I am quitting this job and have a happy time with my loved ones at home…

You get a call from your manager asking for updates , reports , milestones and all blah blahs and the mind again gets engrossed with work . With nothing in place , I curse everyone on earth and do things in such a hurry to catch the earliest bus home..and finally check the mobile for the missed calls from home…

On the way back the same thought trigger in different forms I would say,,,”no one is happy with me nor am i..y not take a break…”. Litlle bit of diversion comes in when you have small chit chats with your friends on the way back and well if anyone is in foul mood, which is very much possible, you get it on you . That’s the easiest thing you catch up to add on to your fully packed mind of confusion !!

The mind is tired now and there is frustration that you take back home..T he door opens with a disappointed kid and a relieved grandma waiting to have some rest. I take almost an hour to make him happy and when he is all pepped up I am tired …just gobble something and go to bed…just giving a blank nod to whatever people at home say….and sleep like a log…..

The routine continues and then came the final day when I took the decision. The mind is crystal clear and decisive inspite of listening to all advices and viewpoints. I am happy with this decision, I reassured myself and walked straight to putforth my resignation!!!
And you know what? Yes…you guessed it right…The mind again toggles with all the appreciation and promises that you are given and the assurance of a great career…The temptation pricks your mind…You go back home asking everybody at home hundred times if they are happy and is this right ? Wishing deep inside , you get the answer you want!!!

And you know what is the answer? “If you are so tempted, see if you can continue for some more time..All this is just for a while..When the kid grows you may be able to manage….and then the other side of the opinion pops out…see, your health is also important…think and decide…don’t repent later…”

Every working mom can understand how it feels with this answer….The ball is thrown back to your court!!! No one is supportive enough to you as they are more smart of the consequences and finally you say to yourself –Yes, I am not looking back.. The smile of my lil one is my happiness..I am just going to sit back and enjoy every moment and give back leisure and happiness to everyone at my sweet home…

The one month of notice period flies away and the farewell day comes where u bid good bye to you r work, not knowing if you are going to come back…and yes,,you keep reassuring to yourself and everybody this is your happiest day….

Back to Office!

The day my little darling entered this world is still vivid in my mind. Lot of fear and excitement- a mixed feeling. Then passed five months at home just with my little darling, lot of dreams filling my thoughts on how to bring him up. Ofcourse, there were times when there were continous sleepless nights and tough challenging times too. Every little movement of him was an excitement. Camera and camcorder behind the pillows so that I don’t miss anything!!!

Yes, the time has now come to return to work after utilizing all possible leave extensions.. The first day I ever parted for more than an hour from my little darling. With a troubled state of mind I leave him to my mom and finally left to office. He is too young to even understand that I will be back in the evening and fondle him. What would go through the little mind? Would he think his mom his lost or that she does not care about him?

All the thoughts were just flashing my mind as I was on the way to office. The moment I entered in, it was all so new. The place I used to spend more than ten hours a day for years was like an alien world. Then came the welcoming and along with it every other person I see on the way no matter whether I know them or not was the sentence-“You must be feeling really bad leaving your little one at home”! When they know the pain God! Why do they ask it ?

Finally, settling at my work place and you know I was looking at the monitor and keyboard as if seeing for the first time J . Five months at home just engrossed with the little one -be it a nappy change, feeding, cleaning or playing- completely abandoned from the outside world to some extent. In few hours I was getting used to this routine and then it was time to go back home. First time in my career, have I rushed so soon! Ofcourse, then on this is my way!!

On the way back home, I was thinking a little too much in the fifteen minutes drive that I had in order to reach home. Will he be excited to see me? Or will he think I left him alone? Will he be angry? Will he start hating me!! Then I said to myself- Relax- he is a baby J

I rushed upstairs hurriedly washing my hands to hold the little one. There he was- happily cuddled in the hands of his grand parents and laughing to glory. When I tried to hold him, he just looked away as if looking at someone for the first time! May be he thought I will leave again or was it his naughty way of showing his disappointment? We then struggled in our own way for a patch up. And how he is in my lap playing heartily.I fed him and put him to sleep, looking at the little angel and wondering how he would feel the next day. I can’t even tell him that I will go to office tomorrow and rush back to see him in the evening.
To our surprise, kids do adjust themselves better than we adults do. In few weeks he started saying bye bye to his mom. They are more accepting! It was me with a flip flop mind sandwiched with guilt, confusion and what not. After three years of this unstable mind, now I am with him all time. And when I say someone even on the phone- That I am feeling lonely at times being at home, he runs to me and says spontaneously- Amma, you are not lonely, am I not with you”! -what else do you need!!!

Traffic Jam

If you wake me from a deep sleep and ask me- “Tell me one thing you hate the most?”. My spontaneous answer would be- Traffic Jam!!! I never want to use the word ‘Hate” in my life but this one I am just not able to stand!!!

Many a times you get stranded on the streets waiting, sometimes even hours, due to traffic jam. Some of us getting late to office, school or even missing a flight. I assume whatever be the situation; it just makes you lose your patience.

Yesterday I was struck in a traffic jam for say thirty minutes. Well protected from the sun in an air conditioned car and with some nice songs on, but I was not able to relax. In fact, I was not in a hurry too. If there is an unavoidable reason for the traffic, well still I would not prefer it- for that matter no one does- I can atleast try put up with it.

Most of the times it is due to some political party working on a banner right in the middle of a road or some so called VIP’s entry or even worse is digging a main road, which seemed to be pretty normal last evening you passed by! Even worse is working on the school zone road during peak hours! If it is none of these, then it is some insane person parking in a wrong place creating a nuisance to everyone.

I am sure this gets on to the nerves for most of us. So atleast lets do whatever possible from our side to prevent or reduce these jams and make life a little better for ourselves and others!!

For things out of my control, let me attempt to take the positive side-Atleast I am not struck in the traffic with the sun directly striking on my head, adding to the fumes inside me !! And of all things I just need to get used to it or opt the choice of being locked indoors !! Well, in that case, the former is better.

Kids are Amazing

Kids are amazing. They make you think you out f the box? I know no one is gonna debate on this. Just wanted to share some little things about my little three year old, that stunned me.

Once I used the mosquito spray on one of the rooms and told him-listen, you should not go there as I have used the spray in that room. All parents can guess the popping questions. After his usual queries, what is that used for? Where will the mosquitoes go? etc., his sincere complaint was -"Why dint the mosquitoes tell him bye bye before it left his room?":)

One of the other instances that amazed me on the ways kids imagine was this. I took him to a toy shop and he was busy picking up his favourites. On the way back home, I asked him what will you get me when you grow up? Quite unexpected came the spontaneous response- I will get you a cradle. I asked- "What? What will I do with a cradle? I will be a old lady then". You know what his reply was- “When I grow up, you will  become small. I will take care of you the way you took care of me when I was a baby!! “
Silly it might be when you apply logic to it, but then astonishing it is if we look at the way their little mind imagines!!

Not only are they creative, they are smart too! So we need to be super active and smart to handle themJ

Thinking I am dealing things in a very good way, once I told him – My dear, see I listen to whatever you say. So you should also listen when mom or dad says something to you. He immediately nodded and I kissed him saying Good boy! The next second, he said- Mom, you tell me what I like to do and I will definitely listen you!!! With the cutest smile and what else can you do other than smiling!!!

I think it is these little things that is adding spice to our life and also inspires to get us out of our tuned mind. After all, we need to tackle the curiosity and queries of these blooming buds in a way that really satisfies them!!!

Take it Easy!

Were there not times when we wonder we have become complaining and the innocent happy smile replaced with a grim frown most of the days It is not surprising that we would not even have noticed it.

One day you stand in front of the mirror looking at the emerging white hair and start thinking how to get rid of it? Instead, if you put on a pleasing smile on your face, I bet no one would even notice the grey hair. You start worrying more about the future and forget to live the present..

If you look at a three year old, a mere straw or even a pencil is fascinating. And when we were in teens, little bit of window shopping or a movie with friends would make your day. A greeting card you get from a friend that you treasure so much or saving your pocket money to treat your friends- whatever it is- Every single moment was joyous and we did not make any attempt for it.

Today you have everything. You have a great job, latest car and all things you dreamed of. But still we are not content. You go to a movie with same dear friends but do you feel the same way? You shop without looking at the price tag and for every other occasion you have a treat either at office or with family! This was the life we wanted. Then what is the complaint about?

Have you noticed that it was never difficult to get ready with full spirits for a picnic that you longed for, at 4 am in the morning, while you curse to get up even at 6 am for your work? Was staying awake the whole night when your little one was not well ever a big deal? Was waiting the whole night for a call when your dear ones are away on a travel was strenuous? Lets look at the other side. If your boss asks you to work overnight, you fight for a comp off and when your office bus comes half an hour early to avoid the traffic, you curse everyone and sometimes even make a big deal out of it!!

So it is just the mind set that decides everything. Complaining and cribbing is not going to take us anywhere. If we spend few minutes thanking on all that we have and have dreamt of, we would not complain on few things that we may have missed in life!

And most of all, nothing is going to change the life we are destined to live. So why not make the best out it and live the present moment the best way we can. If we bring the childishness that is deep rooted within us, life is not going to be as stressful or complicated as it seems to be!

Do I know My Own Mind?

My mind- what is that really? I think of controlling it so many times and it never listens. It goes in its own way. Exactly doing things what I don’t want to. Thoughts just sail through it and most of the times I lose track of it.

I sit back trying hard to analyse it. All these years it has been with me and I don’t even know my own mind!! Sometimes jubilant with energy, suddenly moody, and in a minute it goes emotional. Crazy I would say if someone else does that? But then it is my own mind!! Am I crazy then? Perhaps!!!

One minute I think-Why should I take things so seriously and the very next moment I think-What Is life without emotions? Are we animals?...I am so unstable and is it fair when I expect someone else to understand me? Blame them if they get me wrong??A sensible mind would say –That is absolutely unfair!!! Well, as I said-Mine is not a stable one !!

You read it everywhere these days to live the moment, to relax, take things easy and many in line. You reinforce to yourself everytime and I tell you these just tempt you to do the reverse, though unwillingly!!

I often think why expect so much, though you would expect only from your dear ones who make up your life. I am not even satisfying my own expectations!! Why not let your dear ones free of questions, complaints and expectations? Accept them and give them the space. Joy is in giving and not in receiving.

Why do my happiness have to depend on others and why cant we be our own best friend. People, situation and everything else change with time. That is the law of nature. We all know. It is only our own mind, learnings that we had from our lives that remain with us. Is it not sane enough to realize that and find the true everlasting companion within ourself?

Even as I write this, the mind flickers on the various experiences and instances that it has gone through. So is it a fact that it does not want accept the truth? Well, then I am not forcing it!! Let me atleast accept that I cant change the way my mind wavers, its expectations , emotions, silly thoughts etc.and not sit down analyzing it!!!