Time machine

While I was revisiting my blog after a long time, thought would change its look and feel; To try some variety, going back and forth many options and template…to come out of the same monotonous look…! When I was able to hit the option to go back to my previous template, it just flicked my mind – how wonderful would it be if we had this choice in life!!!

Paasa Malargal??

When I held my dear Navneeth for the first time, it was like a magic that made me feel I would do anything in the world to bring a smile to this delicate darling who just came into my life few hours back and blessed me to feel the motherhood. He meant (and of course would remain so !) the world to me in a jiffy, as I held him for the first time. I promised him I would always give the best of me in everything.

Now, I have another little gal in my hand and it’s the same feeling once again. This time, while admiring my little princess, I kept reassuring the big brother in whose eyes I saw happiness, fear and little insecurity. I guess this is natural, though I never had a chance to experience it.

The initial days of turmoil he brought in with all the adamancy I could never imagine on him, kindled a doubt of how is this gonna work out. Right from throwing the swimming float on his 11 days old little sister, pulling her hand or head secretly, to wanting to practice his karate punch with her. I didn’t know whether to sympathize with him or just scream with all my might “ whts wrong with you”? as if he knew it and I dint know!!!

But now, my sweetheart Navneeth triggered me to just blog this. All the made up stories, advice, screaming or the matter of time..dunno which worked! I could not help admire you secretly talking to ur lil sister saying you would teach her everything. It was so sweet of you showing her everything around her ‘ This is your nappy pad”, “ This is a cell phone” …You then assured her that she would get everything he got ; right from his play school, school, rattle and the brand of nappies and of course nothing different or extra, be it a nappy brand!!:)))

and now when I kissed him goodnight, he said- Mom, when she troubles you crying I will take care of her by singing or doing something the way you would do for me. Call me when she cries!

Oh my God! With the biggest happiest hug I just managed to say “Sure, now you sleep!”.

So my little princess, You got the best big brother who is just counting days to hold you in his hand and walk you through the world. I am so happy about you my dear son, though I know you would have some innovative tantrum to keep me behind you and test my patience right in the morning.

Play it safe!!

I just happened to read the saying “ If you really love someone, then let them go. If they come back to you, then they are always yours, else they were never yours. Very true! But I would say, better not take the risk. Hold on to it as tight as you can if you cannot survive without it rather than brooding in the future for having lost it

Silence........No more!!!!

Another saying that passed my idle mind was “Silence is Golden”. Yes, it is golden when you get a piece of your time after all the tantrums of your kid at the end of the day or when you are out of a “hot” onsite call at your office or sometimes after a tiring altercation at home that you know never has a solution. But sometimes, silence kills! Silence that is the outcome of ego, silence when the mind wants someone to break the ice, silence when you are fuming with emotions, silence to just escape from the current conversation instead of looking towards a solution….Yes! such silence kills...and silence is no more golden most of the times.......

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When you can neither spit nor swallow, you are stuck in the throat. That’s what happens with so many things in life-unable to completely ignore and at the same time cannot accept. The ego that sustains this tug of war drives you mad and you go crazy. If there is one person who wishes you a simple good morning with a smile and that drives you the energy for all the cranky hurdles you face the entire day and there is one single heart that ensures you sleep peacefully with a gentle good night, then I would say you are worth living this roller coaster life.

Navneeth Neram...

Navneeth: What is the capital of America?
Mom: Washington
Navneeth: oh…….you have lot of washing machines in america ..thats you it is called so?



While Navneeth was constantly trying to disturb me while I was working on the computer. He was persistent that he wanted to watch his favorite Noddy CD on the computer. I said, please wait for a while dear, I am doing something very important. Tell me is it possible for 2 people to do different things on the computer at the same time? So you gotto wait for a while.
Navneeth: Yes! (with an expression of why not?) in his face.
Mom: How do you do it?
Navneeth? Buy another computer!!!!!
(Thank God! He was not probing into my words technically..they are so much inquisitive that hardly a few years and I better watch out before I say something)


With ants filling the kitchen, my little darling found a few in a bowl of rice. Next day, he saw his grandma having a bowl of rice, came running and said—stop! Paati ada saapdada..
Paati: enda?
Navneeth: with a face full of seriousness and care, paati, you know what”That day ant was eating the rice. It means it is sweet … so don’t eat rice because you have sugar..”
(Though coincidence with science that rice is not advisable for diabetes, it is the way the little mind relates that brought laughter to our faces)



It has always been “ME” who is always behind Navneeth, trying to make him come out of his playfulness. The childishness in him has never made him take the winning concept in competitions serious. Although, anytime he wins a prize, he is just elated. But today is the first time he had cried so much almost rolling on the floor that he deserved a prize and was not given. Somehow, convinced him winning is not all that matters every time, but wanting to win and learning from the winners is what it matters. Today, I was successful in convincing to do better the next time but with the outstanding smart kids all over, I hope he does not give up the spirit.

Confused!

Fear, guilt, insecurity…what not? Name anything inline with lack of confidence and I think I can feel it. It’s a tough phase and the more I think of it, the more these emotions swirl around and the most predictable outcome is complete smash of self control. A set back in health creates lot of guilt of not able to do what we want. There is nothing worse than not being able to do what you want for your child and there goes a tug of war with your body and mind where the weak adamant body wins over the well planned agenda of your mind. As I struggle more to win myself and the results go vain, there is one outburst of anger and then emerges fear, guilt ..and the viscous cycle is just replicating. I search everywhere as to where to point the blame and realize it’s all in me, though it is not in my control to be shaped the way I want. Every systematic plan coupled with lot of effort to make my little one to be on his own, is pulled down by the highly unpredictable state of health. So long there has been no compromise on the meticulous approach for his wholesome care, be it health, play or any other activities. Not that I was aiming for him to be perfect, I had the confidence I have all the time to understand his needs. I beleive it will all settle down in a while, but the phase to cope up is mind boggling. Everything is haphazard right from household chores to important activities like payment of rent skipping the schedule and at the end of it, all that remains is disgust and frustration. Hope this outlet of what runs through my mind gives little space to think clear or atleast leave everything for time to settle. For once, left with no other choice let me believe in luck and destiny whenever I stumble my own expectations.