Confused!

Fear, guilt, insecurity…what not? Name anything inline with lack of confidence and I think I can feel it. It’s a tough phase and the more I think of it, the more these emotions swirl around and the most predictable outcome is complete smash of self control. A set back in health creates lot of guilt of not able to do what we want. There is nothing worse than not being able to do what you want for your child and there goes a tug of war with your body and mind where the weak adamant body wins over the well planned agenda of your mind. As I struggle more to win myself and the results go vain, there is one outburst of anger and then emerges fear, guilt ..and the viscous cycle is just replicating. I search everywhere as to where to point the blame and realize it’s all in me, though it is not in my control to be shaped the way I want. Every systematic plan coupled with lot of effort to make my little one to be on his own, is pulled down by the highly unpredictable state of health. So long there has been no compromise on the meticulous approach for his wholesome care, be it health, play or any other activities. Not that I was aiming for him to be perfect, I had the confidence I have all the time to understand his needs. I beleive it will all settle down in a while, but the phase to cope up is mind boggling. Everything is haphazard right from household chores to important activities like payment of rent skipping the schedule and at the end of it, all that remains is disgust and frustration. Hope this outlet of what runs through my mind gives little space to think clear or atleast leave everything for time to settle. For once, left with no other choice let me believe in luck and destiny whenever I stumble my own expectations.